Alyssa GoldbergUSA TODAY
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“It’s just for fun.” “I don’t actually message anyone.”
Whether you’re redownloading Hinge after “swearing off dating apps forever," or online dating for the first time, chances are you’ve been guilty of “ego-scrolling.”
Katie Dissanayake, the CEO and founder of the dating app “After,” defines ego-scrolling as swiping through dating apps looking for easy validation, rather than meaningful connections or relationships.
“You’re not even looking for a date, or often a real conversation, you’re just looking for proof that you’re still desirable,” she explains. “It’s almost like window shopping for love without the intention to buy.”
Instant social gratification and self-worth validation are among the most common motivations for using dating apps. Even after matching, users often get ghosted, misinterpret what the other person wants or have mismatched expectations, leaving those looking for love frustrated and burnt out.
Jordan Pickell, a trauma and relationship therapist, says ego-scrolling “lowers the stakes around rejection, loneliness and the wanting to be desired.” She takes Dissanayake’s analogy one step further: “You’re window shopping, and you don’t have any intention of going into the store.”
Why do people ‘ego-scroll’ on dating apps?
Dissanayake attributes the rise in ego-scrolling to the loneliness epidemic and a collective increase in stress and unhappiness among young adults.
“Dating apps have become almost like an emotional pacifier,” she says. “If you're bored, anxious or feeling invisible, getting a match, especially from someone you find really attractive, feels almost like a mini serotonin shot. And more often than not, that becomes the goal.”
Notifications of new matches can feel similar to the dopamine rush some people receive from Instagram likes. “A lot of dating apps were perfectly engineered to feed us that dopamine fix," Dissanayake says.
Pickell says ego-scrollers may also be hoping to protect themselves against rejection or the vulnerability of a real relationship.
“People want to be seen, but it's too scary to be known," she explains. "So it gives this feeling of being seen and this validation without having to be emotionally invested.”
However, Amy Morin, psychotherapist and author of "13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do,” says ego-scrolling can be beneficial in limited scenarios. For instance, someone who has recently gone through a divorce or breakup may not be ready to date, but needs a reminder that there are other options. And still, it’s not going to fix the underlying issues. If you’re struggling with low self-esteem or loneliness, it can feel like a “Band-Aid for a minute,” but not the cure.
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Mismatched expectations cause dating app fatigue
Many of Pickell’s clients are frustrated by the lack of mutual engagement on dating apps. They make a match, send a message and never receive a response. “It’s disheartening,” she says.
Dissanayake says ghosting, miscommunication and dating app fatigue often occur when one side of a match seeks a genuine connection, and another is just looking to feel good.
For those who want to ego-scroll, it is important to be upfront about your intentions and not waste your matches’ time.“Remember that the other people on dating apps are real human beings with their own fears of rejection and feelings of loneliness,” Pickell adds.
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Checking in with yourself
If you’re ready to stop ego-scrolling, the first step is checking in with yourself. What are your needs, boundaries and goals?
Pickell encourages people to notice what emotions arise as they swipe through dating apps. It may be time to take a break when you feel depleted and alienated rather than energized and connected. Another sign that the apps are unfulfilling is if using them “feels like a chore,” Morin says.
Dissanayake says there may not be a quick fix for ego-scrolling, but it starts with “knowing your self-worth before you try to meet anybody else” and accepting where you are on that journey.
